Friday, February 29, 2008
What happened? (this is how i show my love)
Okay..I have posted recently something about my being alive and kicking..no make that "blogging," not kicking. Well, before I go on posting like nothing happened.. I guess I'll have to give a bit of an explanation as to why I "left my blog to rot." (rot..such a harsh word).
Well...last October ..a tragedy happened.
Tragedy, you ask?
Let me enlighten you:
Tragedy = death in the family
Yes. A death in the family.
It has been hard for all of us.
Although this might sound “selfish” (in whatever sense), I feel the need to say that it has been extra…EXTRA.. hard for me.
You see.. my Lolo died of complications primarily due to cancer.
Why is it “extra hard” for me?
That’s because I am my Lolo’s favorite. (and no one can contest to that).
I actually can’t give a direct reason why. Maybe because I was among the few who gave my time to patiently listen to what he has to say. Or maybe I was the only one who bothers to prepare him something to eat whenever I can…Whatever…I am just glad that I was able to share that special bond with him. A bond with the “soft side” of Lolo..and not the “hard to reach” person most people would perceive him to be. He is actually pretty strict but I guess I have learned to see past that.
So let me go back to the tragedy…
This happened last October 29. That’s exactly two weeks after my birthday.. the gift I least expected.
We knew of his condition two years before…And I have been in that rollercoaster of emotions for that two years.
The doctors actually gave him only six months..but he managed to live for another year and seven months. (A miracle, I know—considering that he was in the last stages of cancer when we found out)
Having the knowledge of his imminent death helped us to value the time but it did not help to ease the pain. Not one bit.
It felt like gray sky overhead. Pretty much like waiting for a strong and terrible storm that is about to come.
Still, there were good days…comparable to sunny days.. almost giving false hopes.
Though they gave false hopes, I was glad that they were there to help us go through the two years with joy left.
Anyway, seeing that we were running out of time, we tried to cherish each moment with him. This would include the weekly get-together of the family…at his favorite place.
By the bank..Riverbanks.. Simple and peaceful. We would stay there for hours without anything in particular to do. I guess we enjoyed the “spontaneity” of our trips there. We would simply relax and try not to think of what is to come.
Well… enough reminiscing for the moment (maybe I’ll have a separate post for that).
As I was telling you.. knowing in advance of a loved one’s death was not enough to prepare us. No..nothing could have prepared us. And when it did happen..I was not ready. Not quite.
I can still remember that day..We were with him hours before..that…
I was holding his hand. I was staring him straight in the eye. I could not speak. I did not know what to say. He was suffering. Yet..I can’t tell him to let go. I can’t do it (maybe it was more for me..selfish me). It seems that he knows the pain I feel inside. He could not speak clearly anymore at that time. But I managed to understand most of what he said. He was telling me not to cry. And so I tried the best I can to keep the tears from rolling down. He would close his eyes and breathe deeply. And when he would close his eyes for a moment too long, it was as if I could not breathe.
Hours went by..and he seemed to have stabilized. And so we headed for home. A mistake..or is it?
Barely two hours after we left, we we’re informed that he passed away. We rushed back to where he was. I did not cry on our trip back. Everyone was silent in the car..I was singing. No one cared. So I sang my heart out…maybe I was trying hard not to think about it. I guess I was in denial.
But as soon as the car stopped, I went down immediately and hugged him..his body was starting to feel cold. I was once told that someone who died can still hear you an hour after death. I checked the time..I still had five minutes. So I stayed close to him and whispered how much I love him. And that was when tears started to fall.
I actually did not know what to feel…I was relieved that he did not have to feel the pain again. For the first time in months, he looked peaceful. Free from pain.
However, the selfish side of me is so damn sad because of losing him.
When he passed away, I also lost a part me.
And now..as I cope with the fact that I won’t be able to see him again, something inside of me is also dying. A part of me that still wants to see him in the flesh. Still, I know that I did not really lose him. He will be in my heart forever. I can feel that he is with me always. Guiding me. Making me stronger. Like what he had been doing for the seventeen years and two weeks that he had been with me.
I guess I am writing about this four months after it happened because it is only now that I am ABLE to write about it without bursting into tears.
(note: this is not my first attempt to write on what happened...i was just too "hysterical" on the previous attempts to go on with this entry that I couldn't continue after the second paragraph)
I can’t say that I am over it (I don’t think I’ll be over it soon) but I am keeping my emotions under control.
I still cry..almost everyday. But I try to focus on the wonderful things that are happening right now: new friends, new experiences…a whole lot more.
What happened has changed me. I do hope it is for the better.
I strive to make my parents proud of me. I strive to make HIM proud.
Even though I’ve changed…there is one thing that I hope remains…
at heart, I will still be Lolo’s favorite girl.
Labels: coping, dying, favorite girl, lolo
8:22 PM
Thursday, February 21, 2008
alive
well, will you look at that..i am still alive. Yeah, I know, I haven't been writing for the last four months. (could be rusty...)
I am not going to post anything long right now. I just wanted to stop by to divert my attention... You see, I don't want to start with my concept paper. And guess what? It is due in a few hours.
Good luck to me then!
I wish to be back soon to "blog" again. I owe my blog a longer post...maybe next time.
10:40 AM
